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Lead me to the rock that is higher than I

By Alvina.  In 2007 @ the age of 25 I had my first massive breakdown also known to my family as the time I was possessed by the demons. I can’t remember much and nobody here wants to talk about it with me afraid that I will bring back any spirits and they’ll have to relive that “horrible” time again. So I won’t go into much detail. In 2008 or 2009, at th age of 26 (I think), I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1. I started hearing voices in my head and I even thought the that satellites were over my house spying on me. I remember having conversations with the people on the TV and my sister asking me if I’m OK and I remember that it felt like nothing was wrong with me. I would dance to music alone in my granny- flat and stay up the whole night talking to my “friends” on mixit back then. I wouldn’t eat much and would just drink coffee to quench my thirst. I constantly thought people outside were talking about me, laughing at me, and the voices told me to do things that I can’t really talk about to my family, but it included wanting to commit suicide and overdosing (if that’s even possible) on cough syrup. The voices also told me that I didn’t have the guts to tell my family about them…

Well I told my mother and she beleived me and took me hospital the next day. I was sedated and then left there to sleep. Woke up not knowing where I am or why I was alone there. I was then admitted to Mental Institution where I stayed for a month recovering. I was then put on mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics which made me feel like and speak like a robot. I got back together with my boyfriend who didn’t quite understand this mental illness much, but he along with my family believed and still believe there is nothing wrong with me and that I am healed. I married in 2009 and soon as I found out I was pregnant in 2011 I went off my meds (Epilum & Resperidone) without thinking twice so as not to harm the baby.

Had no complications during my pregnancy except for the manic and depressive episodes which were very stressful for me & my husband and our marriage almost ended as a result of me being out of control mentally and emotionally. After I gave birth to a healthy baby girl…the Psychiatrist never paid me a visit in hospital and so I was discharged without any meds for my mental illness. It didn’t bother me because I was fine, or so I thought. I was even hearing voices come out of my child’s mouth and I was so scared that they would harm her and became very protective and so she was always with me. My husband and I were always arguing and I hated being indoors all the time as my stepdad had his automotive workshop in the back yard where we lived and there was always noises like grinding and smells of petrol and welding coming from the garage where his workshop was…I desperately wanted to move out but couldn’t because of financial constraints. I was then tried on different meds as the Psychiatrists were trying to stabilize my moods and that just made me either more manic more depressed or just neutral-which wad the worst one to be because I started to not have any emotions which I kinda got used to especially when there was an argument or something that I just didn’t want to make a big deal about. A few years down the line and I was admitted twice to hospital and because of my love for my child I didn’t stay there long. I knew she was missing me and couldn’t bare the fact that she went to bed without me at night.

2017 I know I have skipped a few years but truth is I just don’t remember some stuff and I don’t know what to blame for that but memory loss is another thing to add to my illness I guess. Anyways today I’m still living with Bipolar not knowing what to expect or when to expect it… I have looked for websites for self-care things to do to help me cope I’m on my meds and seeing a Psychologist to vent and I try and live my life with a positive outlook. I’ve learnt how to live with God in my life and I really try and call out to him when my world is crashing down. I try and take it easy and still find myself trying to complete a long to-do list for each day..it’s tiring but somehow I have the energy to finish the tasks..only God knows how I am able to do it.. Bipolar is a part of me and yes my family believe I am healed but I believe I am blessed with this for a reason. Maybe it’s to share my oh soo unbelievable story with the world and not feeling alone maybe it’s just to validate who I am as soul living out her purpose to do good and spread positive vibes about a how life can be if YOU change your mind-set to be different unique one of a kind when it comes to being YOU. This is my favourite verse… When my heart is overwhelmed “lead me to the rock that is higher than I” -Psaml 61:2 & that is my story.

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